Gangsters and Grimoires Ch3

Chapter Three

In Which a Unicorn Bails Caligula Out of Jail

As Officer Nikolaev escorted him down the hallways of the police station, Caligula began to feel tenser and tenser. What did the police captain want to see him for? It was clear when he was arrested that the police already had him on file. Surely there wasn't anything they needed to know about him that they didn't already know.

Then Caligula remembered. The police's knowledge of him probably came from his university records, so they wouldn't have known about his staff. Chances are they wouldn’t respond well to his explanation of how it came into his possession, assuming they believed him at all. The circumstances in which it was made for him were… unique, to say the least, and not even Caligula knew all the details of why his old mentor made it for him. And while some magical items could be purchased at any convenience store without a licence, something of that staff’s grade was certainly not one of them.

Escape was not an option. Not only were Caligula’s hands bound in magic-suppressing handcuffs, but even if he was free to use his powers it was clear from back when Caligula was arrested that Officer Nikolaev was a far more skilled mage than he was and could prevent his escape easily. All Caligula could do was to follow the officer down the hall to the interrogation cell and await the inevitable.

After two minutes Caligula stewing in anxiety, the two had finally made it to the interrogation cell at the end of the hall. Promptly, Officer Nikolaev opened the door and led Caligula in. At the far side of the table in the centre of the room was a thickset man Caligula figured was the captain.

The captain was balding, with his remaining hair being a reddish brown that was gray at the temples. Wearing a pair of half-moon glasses, he had chiseled features, with a thick moustache and a watchful expression trained on Caligula that made it clear he was not going to let the novice wizard out of his sight, even if Caligula had nowhere to run. Even wearing a three-piece suit, it was clear this man had a powerful build.

“So…” the chief began, “Caligula Ragnarok, is it? I’m Captain Benjamin Fawcett. Have a seat. We have much to discuss.”

Resigned to his fate, Caligula sat down.

“I took the liberty of reading your file before you came in,” Captain Fawcett continued. “Accepted into the University of Toronto on a magic scholarship, top marks in many of your courses, and many instructors we talked to said you were on the fast track to graduating. And then the Little Cthulhu Incident happened.”

Caligula sighed. He should have known that topic was going to come up.

“So,” the chief inquired, “how exactly does one botch a portal spell so badly that it creates a rift between dimensions and spawns an eldritch abomination?”

“A number of reasons,” Caligula said nervously. “It’s possible my calculations could have been off by about two decimal points or one of the runes in the conjuring circle could have been in Ogham while the rest were in Cuneiform. Stuff like that.”

“You’re not going to mention the crystals?” Officer Nikolaev asked suspiciously.

“Oh yes, those. Like I told the school after the incident, I lost the portal catalysts my professor issued me the day before, so I went into the school’s storage room to get some more. It was really dark, so I couldn’t really see the label on the box I got the new crystals out of, and when I tried using them in the portal spell… that’s when all proverbial hell broke loose, as well as the literal one, some would argue.”

“And you never thought to ask your professor for replacement crystals?” the officer inquired.

“Well, I’d already gotten a warning for misplacing course materials, and I didn’t want to risk it…”

“And you didn’t think to use a light spell so you could properly read the labels in the storage room?”

“Well, to be absolutely blunt, hindsight’s a bitch.”

Officer Nikolaev gave an accusatory glare and said, “And a box of Nebulon crystals, among the most dangerously unstable magical substances on the planet, just happened to be in a storage room, instead of in the secure sub-basement vault they went missing from that day?”

“That’s what they tell me,” Caligula said with a shrug.

Dumbfounded, Officer Nikolaev turned to the Chief and said, “Either he’s really good at lying or he really is telling the truth.”

“And based on what I’ve been told all my life, it’s probably the latter by process of elimination,” Caligula said.

“In any case, those were the circumstances for which you lost your magic licence, correct?” Captain Fawcett inquired. “And funny thing: from our records, they used every trick in the spellbook to get the truth out of you. But no matter how many lie detection spells were cast and mind readers peered into your brain, they could only get the answers you had already told them. Of course, from what I hear, there are ways to bypass those spells, but only a mage far beyond your level could pull it off successfully. And yet you were still expelled and had your licence revoked. Why do you think that was?”

Confused at the question, Caligula suggested, “Maybe they were just really pissed at me?”

“I find it’s rarely that simple.”

Caligula had no idea what was going on. He expected to be questioned about how long he’d been practicing magic without a licence, or how he got his staff. Instead, they were dwelling on the circumstances of his expulsion and suggesting that it happened because of some kind of conspiracy. This was no ordinary police interrogation. He took a deep breath and figured he might as well cut to the chase.

“What is this really about?” Caligula asked.

“About time you caught on,” Captain Fawcett said. “We know who your mother is.”

Caligula froze. “I see,” he gulped. “Please don’t tell her I got arrested.”

“To be honest kid, if she found out, I’d be more concerned about this police station being reduced to a smoking crater, assuming the rumours about her are true…”

“Captain, don’t tell me you actually buy that story about her single-handedly wiping out a small country during the war”, Officer Nikolaev said incredulously. “No mage has enough power to do that.”

“Percy’s right,” Caligula admitted. “The rumours just get bigger every year. Back in high school, every time I brought a new girlfriend home, my mom would always have to explain to them that it was just a single military installation.”

“What difference does that make?” Captain Fawcett asked nervously. “We’d still be completely screwed either way.”

“Hey, you guys are the ones who’d be let off easy! At least she’d kill you quick. Most likely she’d save me for last, leaving me to stew in terror before she ends me.”

“Captain,” Officer Nikolaev sighed. “Are we really going through with this? Because we’ll have a lot worse than his mother to contend with if it goes south.”

“Detective,” Chief Fawcett began. “If we miss this chance, we’ll definitely have a lot worse to contend with.”

Caligula did not like the sound of this.

“What are you talking about?” he asked.

“Here’s the deal, kid. We’ve a problem, and our hands are tied. We need to send in someone with no official ties to this city’s law enforcement at all. And with your talents, you might be the right guy for the job. If you pull this off, I can pull some strings to clear your criminal record, give you your staff back, and get you another shot at a magic licence.”

“The job must be dangerous if it’s so important to keep it off the books.”

“It’s dangerous all right. There’s a big chance you might not come back from it alive. You can refuse, but then I can’t guarantee your mother won’t find about-“

“I’ll do it!”

“That was fast.”

“Well, when you grow up in that woman’s house, you learn to pick and choose how you’d prefer to die. So what’s the job?”

So the captain leaned in close and began to tell him. He had not been kidding about the danger.

O-O-O


As Officer Nikolaev led Caligula down to the front lobby, Caligula thought about the job Captain Fawcett had asked him to do. It was certainly dangerous alright, but he’d take it over facing his mother’s wrath any day. The main problem was that it would be risky to let anyone else in on it. This was unfortunate, as he had a few friends whose skills would be a bit useful on such a mission, but considering the people he would be going up against, he couldn’t risk making anyone he knew into a target. So his only choice was to go at it alone. But he’d seen worse odds before.

The tricky part would be explaining to his roommate what he was being interrogated for and coming up with believable excuses for him going out every night for the next while. Of course, he had Officer Nikolaev to back him up on the interrogation story, but Caligula would have to use every trick in the book to continually sneak out of the apartment at night unnoticed. But pulling the wool over her eyes would not be easy, as Caligula’s roommate was no fool.

What she was, however, was a lavender-coloured bespectacled unicorn the size of a Shetland pony.

Caligula’s roommate was sitting in one of the seats lined up in the lobby, waiting with an impatient look on her face. When she noticed Caligula had arrived, the look of impatience turned to full-blown indignation.

“I should have known I’d have to do this eventually,” she growled.

“Starshimmer,” Caligula began, “I swear I can explain…”

“Explain what? That you went to seek out a magic teacher you’d only heard of in those sketchy ads on Craigslist, even though your learner’s permit’s been revoked for over a year now, or that you assaulted a police officer and tried to run away?”

“Um… both, I guess?”

“And to top it all off, when I arrived here to post bail, I was told to wait while you were getting interrogated. Care to explain what that’s about?”

Before Caligula could say anything and probably make everything worse, Officer Nikolaev said, “We were just going over his history at the university, ma’am. We went over the unlikelihood of the circumstances that led to his losing his magic licence, and decided to let him be the guinea pig, as it were, for a new pardons program we’re testing out”.

“And what program would that be?” Starshimmer inquired, raising an eyebrow.

“If he does some volunteer work for us, and finishes some courses pertaining to responsible and ethical use of magic, he’ll get another shot at his magic licence.”

“After he shot an officer in the chest,” Starshimmer said incredulously.

“The program’s a work in progress,” Officer Nikolaev said with an annoyance clearly aimed at Caligula. “The top brass figured if it works on this guy, it’ll work on anybody.”

“Well, I can’t really fault that logic,” Starshimmer admitted. She than had a moment of epiphany and asked Caligula, “They’re doing this because they found out who your mother is, aren’t they?”

“Hey, it was their idea, not mine,” Caligula said.

“The captain’s idea, specifically,” Officer Nikolaev added.

“You know what your Mom will do to you if she finds out you used her reputation to get out of jail,” Starshimmer reminded him.

“Which is why I’m counting on you to not tell her,” Caligula said, pleadingly.

“Of course you are,” Starshimmer sighed. At this point, she had covered up for Caligula’s mistakes she was practically an accomplice. She looked to Officer Nikolaev. “May we go now, officer?”

“Yes you may, ma’am,” he replied. “And Ragnarok, remember, your first job for the program is tonight.”

“Got it,” Caligula said. “I’ll see you then, Officer.”

Just as Caligula and Starshimmer were leaving the station, however, a small entourage of well-dressed individuals entered. They were led by a very short man, only four feet tall, with pointed ears and fey features on a face that was mostly clean-shaven except for his red mutton chops. He wore a trilby on his head, carried an ornate cane, and strutted around like he owned the place. He had an eerie, almost ethereal air about him, an air that Caligula had long since associated with the creatures of Faerie.

The following entourage was basically a “who’s who” of the species one went to for extra muscle. There orcs, trolls, ogres, minotaurs, and about two or three Caligula couldn’t put his finger on.
     
“What do you want, Brennan?” Officer Nikolaev said with distaste.
     
“Simple,” the diminutive fae replied in a slight Irish accent. “You’ve got one of ours in here for something petty, and we’ve come to pay her bail. Is that such a crime?”
     
“Come on, let’s go,” Starshimmer whispered to Caligula. “This is one thing we don’t want to get mixed up in”.
     
“You’re right,” Caligula replied as the two headed out the door. “It’s just that guy seemed too well-described to be a throwaway character.”
     
“Don’t break the fourth wall in public, it’s not polite.”
     
“Sorry.”
     
Caligula wasn’t about to tell Starshimmer, but that wasn’t the only reason the tiny faerie and his entourage stood out to him so much. The truth was, he would have to encounter them again, when he would infiltrate the mob.